How are Below Deck Med’s Iain and Jono this bad at their jobs?

I think Below Deck Mediterranean season nine really wants us to be interested in the Ellie-Bri-Joe triangle. That’s pretty dull so far, maybe because I’m still waiting to see some Joe and Nathan finger-blasting.

I’m much more interested in how two of the ship’s heads of department are this bad at their jobs. Were they cast just so they could be replaced mid-season to create more drama?

Previously on Below Deck Med, cheffy Jono thought it’d be just fine to cook eggs and left them sit out for 90 minutes, protected by a towel. Who doesn’t love cold eggs with towel for breakfast?

He defended this to Captain Sandy, and she said, “not sure why that is” because “eggs are to order, right?” Considering that I—an idiot—know this, I’m surprised even a self-taught chef does not.

Sandy told us this was a “huge red flag,” but also since he’s not Hannah, she’s giving him more chances.

Meanwhile, Sandy had to have a conversation with Iain in which she spelled out exactly how to do his job for the beach picnic, only for him to ignore key parts of what she said.

He needs to “remain onboard because you’re the bosun,” she told him, and told us, “If something goes wrong, I need someone who knows what’s going on.” And you’re relying on Iain for that? 😬

Aesha met with Iain and Jono about the beach picnic, and the look on her face suggested that she’d have much better luck serving these guests if she asked Bri to make paninis with the iron.

Jono literally said that he’d make food and “once it’s hot and ready, get it on to a tender,” which made me think it’d just get cold immediately. He then said he wanted to make something that “doesn’t need to microwave” at the beach. Um: He thinks there’s a microwave on the beach? And that microwaving yacht food is a good idea ever?

Cut to Iain, who called the beach trip “a little test I guess, really,” and saying something about how he didn’t want to “micromanage,” though I don’t think literally being absent all the time is micromanaging.

The guests—17-TIME GRAND SLAM DOUBLES CHAMPION GIGI FERNÁNDEZ—wanted to play games on the beach, and Gael asked Iain, “maybe we look up what it entails?” Iain said no. “The primary will tell us.” Yes, primaries love paying tens of thousands of dollars to also tell the crew how to do basic tasks.

Iain dropped Gael and Joe and six or eight thousand tons of gear onto the beach and then zipped back to the yacht to do absolutely nothing. The editors had a field day with this, cutting between Gael saying “I definitely need water” to Iain standing around slamming Red Bulls.

Gael and Joe did get some help—from a small child who didn’t even have a face. Oh wait, maybe it was just blurred out because they refused to sign a waiver.

Joe complained “there’s no leadership at all” and Nathan said “Iain loves to micromanage and also does it badly.” Cue Iain doing something badly again: sending the tender with the guests without asking his team if they were ready.

“Why have they not communicated with us before leaving?” Gael asked. Why did Jono cover eggs with a towel and leave them sit for 90 minutes and think that was okay? Because Below Deck.

When Aesha arrived, she declared, “Fuck’s sake. This is such a shitshow.”

To distract the guests from the shitshow, they set up chairs facing the water so they could look at the view and away from the plebeians, who were bunched together in an area of the beach that was behind some tape. Did the production secure an area of the beach for the shitshow?

Back on the boat, Jono told us, “I have been doubting myself all morning,” Jono said. He said he did not have time to “process that disappointment” and added, “I’ve got to put this in a box so I can focus on the meals yet to come.” For a second I thought he meant he was going to put food in a box, like breakfast for the next charter.

Thankfully, the deck crew salvaged things by getting games going—volleyball using a ping-pong net—Joe and Nathan taking off their shirts and jumping into the sand and landing on their finger-blasters.

Back on the ship, Sandy told Iain to, you know, do his job. “Let’s make it look like a resort,” she said. “I’m sure they’re having fun on the beach.”

Jono’s lunch arrived, and one guest called it “unbelievable”—but the unbelievable part was that they also said it was the “best food” they’d had yet. When you start your day with breakfast that’s been under a towel for 90 minutes, that’s a low bar, but still.

Joe shared another story about “me grandad,” who previously taught Joe that tattoos are only for whores. This week’s lesson: the deeply insightful “respect is everything.”

Aesha talked to Iain, and while she told him “the timing was just all just miscommunication,” he didn’t appear to get the message that he screwed up. “I was quite surprised when I got back and they were all waiting for me,” he said about the guests. Imagine how your team felt when you got back with the guests!

To experience her team’s stellar work first-hand, Sandy joined her BFF Gigi—17 TIME GRAND SLAM DOUBLES CHAMPION—for dinner. On the menu: seafood pasta that Jono made before flying to Greece and packed in his suitcase.

The first course, gazpacho, was not a hit. “What’s that spice?” Gigi asked. “Nutmeg? Cardamom?” Deconstructed chocolate cake?

Jono demonstrated his expertise and command of the kitchen by announcing to the whole table and his boss that whatever it was, it was from “someone’s grandma’s recipe or something—seemed authentic.”

If I were Captain Sandy, that would have been the moment I was like:

In the kitchen, Jono realized he’d completely botched the lava cakes, which resembled cow patties: hard, brown pucks. He turned them into a beautiful plate, though, with a drizzle of melted ice cream and a flower.

Even before seeing that disaster, Sandy told us, “Jono is 0 for 2 now,” and I assume that means charters and not meals, because there’s been a lot more screw-ups than two. Sandy tried to distract Gigi: “How did you feel when you qualified for the Olympics?” she asked.

Aesha also tried to distract the guests. “We’ve got something really fun for you!” she said, and announced that Bri hid their clothes all over the boat and they were going to go look for them.

Actually, in Bri’s defense, she’s been improving, unlike Iain and Jono, who keep getting worse. Who knew the stew who couldn’t iron and just learned about pen, paper, and note-taking would be among the most competent on the ship?

Jono, to his credit, actually seemed interested in constructive criticism (“I want to know why and I’m happy to improve”), though to not be aware of, like, how bad it is to leave eggs sitting out suggests no amount of feedback is going to really help.

Sandy called him to the bridge and she just laid into him: “I did have the food. It was salty.” Uh, that’s it, Sandy?

She then asked him, “I’m curious: when you had the chef’s choice, why would you choose chicken when you can show them what you can do?” Jono said that was the one thing that “satisfied all their preferences.”

Just when I thought Sandy was going to let him get away with all this, she said: “the plating. I would work on that.” And Jono said the problem with the plating was “I think the freezer isn’t working.”

Uh, so why is Sandy going so easy on him? A clue: “Other than that, I mean, you don’t lose your mind in the galley,” she said. In other words: Because you’re not an absolute monster, I’ll keep you around, even though you cannot cook anywhere near the level of what this job requires.

Sandy told us, “in the past, I’ve given second chances.” Hannah has entered the chat.

Gigi ended up giving a $25,000 tip, despite calling out the food and saying the tip reflected how bad it was. So she’d planned on tipping more? Wow. I was expecting $15,000, maybe.

At the tip meeting, the deck crew declined to throw Iain under the bus, so he’s still on his first chance. “Great job, I love how we work together,” Sandy said. Great job, I love how clueless you are about your own crew!

In on-board relationships, Gael and Nathan continue their strawberry flirting, which I’m a little tired of, in part because the metaphor doesn’t make enough sense to be extended this long. “You get a strawberry,” Gael told Nathan. “Just one?”

Meanwhile, Ellie and Bri had a deep conversation about Joe. “I thought you liked him.” “I thought you liked him”

Ellie said, “I’m not planning to be fighting with anybody over boys, because I don’t see a future with any of them.” That seems very smart and rational, but of course, didn’t last.

Earlier, Bri said “Joe is super-fucking hot” after Joe said her eyes were “glittering.” Cut to Ellie: “I would not kick Joe out of bed.” I’m not sure you’re going to be invited.

Ellie later insisted “I’m not jealous of Bri flirting with Joe but she knows I’m attracted to him,” and said “you never want to go for the guy your supervisor is interested in.” I lost track of the number of times she contradicted herself in that one sentence.

But Bri made her play at the club. Joe asked Bri—and this is a direct quote—”Nathan: Would you suck his [dick or cock]? Yes or no?” Bri responded, “I’d take yours.” Game set match—we have a new grand-slam champion!